I have a relative who often begins our conversation with a laundry list of what has gone wrong for the past week. Ironically, this person is quite wealthy and in good health – but not happy.

At the risk of “comparing” ourselves to those less fortunate which is, in itself, not productive or fair (and we don’t at all appreciate it when others do it to us!), I considered some ways in which to remind myself not to feel sorry for myself.

1.Decide how you want to see what appears to be a “difficult” situation – an opportunity to learn and grow or an opportunity to be defeated: I have many a story to tell about this – my own and others. Friends with children who had disabilities who have risen to the occasion of championing their children’s growth and progress and a sister who has helped others after losing her own son.

2. Decide to forgive and move on or mire yourself in the muck of wallowing around in figuring out how to “get people back for their transgressions.” This is kind of a no-brainer when you think about it logically, but the heart gets bogged down with hurt and people hang on to real or perceived misdeeds for years. Often we perceive a slight that never happened and build a case against another that may have never happened. Some of the worst of these happen in families when siblings build up anger against each other based on old wounds. Determining the difference between forgiving and forgetting and moving on is crucial — really it’s for you — and the past needs to stay where it is, allowing you to move forward.

3. Take action for a positive future. It is often suggested that someone who is depressed or down get involved in volunteer work. I absolutely don’t disagree with this, however, I also feel that putting self-care of some type into the plan is crucial. If we remember that we cannot give from emptiness – we need to have a full cup in order to give, we are more able to go into the world and work with others. Do give to others, but give to yourself – the Buddha said “no one is more deserving of love than yourself,” then you can give to the rest of the world.

We may hand someone  donated clothing that isn’t stylish and the person will be ecstatic while another will be furious if we don’t have the right brand of tennis shoes in his or her size. Likewise, a person living in a huge home surrounded by a million dollars may be unhappy while someone without a job can live happily and gratefully. I testify.

This has been a difficult week, and I was fortunate enough to begin Metta (Lovingkindness) Meditation. Part of the practice is to make a list of your good qualities and good things you have done. These can be help you have given, support, kindness, encouragement, generosity, faithfulness, patience or other goodnesses. I was struck by some words our teacher said when he was telling us that the first lovingkindness to extend is to ourselves when he quoted the Buddha ” No one in the world is more important or more deserving than you of receiving kindness.” I’d heard it dozens of times, but this time I HEARD it.

Ask for help with your list if you need it.

Often, if one is not “in line” with what some churches or religious nonprofits perceive as “correct theology or doctrine” also known as “orthodoxy,” you may be either “fired” from your helping program as I was today, you may not get your calls returned, or you may face other discriminatory treatment when, in fact, the programs are actually suffering lack of help. Many of these programs refuse to offer treatment to people in dire need of food, clothing or shelter unless they pray, attend services or comply in other ways with the faith community. Feeding people should not come at a price of false spiritual compliance in this Quaker‘s viewpoint – and spirituality is a personal choice.

As a Quaker, I also have faced some strange reactions when I offered either my ministry and substantial educational services to groups. This is small in comparison to how I was treated as a practicing Hindu, however, I am grateful for my experience as it helps me to see in an extremely small way how discrimination and injustice works.